Coreyography – autobiografia lui Feldman

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De curand s-au publicat bucati din autobiografia lui Corey Feldman.

Niciodata nu mi-a placut Feldman in relatia lui cu Michael. Usor fanatic, chiar daca el insusi un nume important in cinematografia americana, in relatia cu Michael el a ramas intotdeauna copilul ala caruia idolul i-a dat atentie mai multa decat celorlalti copii.

In cele ce urmeaza chiar el recunoaste ca pentru el Michael a fost o figura paterna si asta se explica cand facem cunostinta cu familia absolut disfunctionala a lui Feldman.

Acum tot ce s-a intamplat intre el si Michael are sens. Dupa 9/11 nu si-au mai vorbit si acum Feldman inca regreta.

Ar mai fi de notat si raspunsurile foarte clare pe care le-a dat pe twitter sustinatorilor lui Wade Robson. Cu toate ca intreaga comunitate de fani se astepta ca urmatorul nume din maneca lui Robson sa fie Feldman, avand in vedere istoria acestuia, s-a dovedit a nu fi asa.

Am lasat tot articolul despre autobiografia lui pentru a ne face o imagine de ansamblu. Pasajul despre Michael e mult mai jos pe pagina.

Dysfunctional Family/Parental Abuse and Neglect

In several interviews over the years, Feldman has talked about the abuse that he experienced as a child. He began acting as a toddler — first appearing in commercials, then in TV shows, and then in movies. At the peak of his fame, he was starring in hit movies and working with filmmakers such as Steven Spielberg, Richard Donner and Joel Schumacher. Feldman says that the abuse and exploitation that he experienced from his parents led him to be legally emancipated from his parents at age 15.

In “Coreyography,” he details the abuse, including severe beatings from his mother (who would assault him for no reason and would often tell him that she was going to kill him) and her obsession with calling him “fat” and demanding that he go on diets. He says his first introduction to drugs were the diet pills and “uppers” that his mother would give him to lose weight. Feldman says he was so distraught by his mother’s abuse that when he was a kid, he tried to commit suicide twice by overdosing on aspirin.

He also says that his mother’s constant abuse influenced his younger siblings to taunt him by calling him derogatory names. Feldman says that he was also bullied at school, even after he became a famous actor, and he eventually dropped out of high school. He describes his mother as a drug addict who had bipolar behavior. He says that she would often disappear for days at a time without telling her children where she was.

Feldman’s parents divorced when he was 5, and his musician father was mostly absent from his life for several years after the divorce. Although Feldman’s mother was his legal guardian for most of his childhood, he was often sent to live with relatives, such as his grandparents. Feldman’s father re-entered his life after Feldman started to have success in movies such as “Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter,” “Gremlins” and “The Goonies.” Around the time that Feldman was working on “Stand by Me,” he had moved in with his father, who became his manager, but then Feldman fired his father because he felt that his father was making bad decisions for him, such as booking jobs that were “beneath him” as a movie star.

For example, Feldman says that when Jackson found out that Feldman was going to be a guest star on the game show “Hollywood Squares,” Jackson was appalled that Feldman would be on the show, since Feldman was a movie star at the time. Jackson told Feldman that “Hollywood Squares” was a show for people whose careers were going downhill, not for actors who have a hot movie career. Feldman desperately wanted to cancel his “Hollywood Squares” appearance, and he even got Jackson to call his father to try to convince him that “Hollywood Squares” was a bad career move, but his father refused to cancel the appearance, and Feldman reluctantly appeared on the show. Feldman said that his father’s refusal to listen to Jackson’s advice about “Hollywood Squares” and other business matters was the catalyst to re-examine his career and eventually fire his father.

Feldman also says that at the height of his fame, when people thought he was rich, he was actually living with his father in a seedy, one-bedroom apartment in Los Angeles. They eventually moved to a larger place, but he said that at the time, he was very naïve about the money he should have been making until Jackson taught him many things about the business part of the entertainment industry.

He also says that although he found out that he made about $1 million when his career was at its peak, he never had most of the money, which was controlled and spent by other people because he was underage at the time. Feldman says that when he paid off his father with $40,000 as part of the emancipation, it left Feldman financially broke “but at least I was finally free.”

Sexual Abuse

Feldman claims that when he was an underage teen, he was sexually abused by several older men, one of whom worked for his father when his father was his manager. Feldman calls this man “Ron Crimson” (an alias) in the book. After Feldman became emancipated from his parents, Crimson became Feldman’s personal assistant, a job which Feldman said usually involved scoring drugs.

Some of these men who allegedly abused Feldman were also part of Feldman’s social circle, so he says he felt confusion and shame about reporting the abuse, since he often relied on these men for friendship and protection. He said that the abuse would often happen when he and the men were under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol. Feldman says that Jackson never abused him and that Jackson treated him like a younger brother. (However, people who believe that Jackson was a sexual predator say that Jackson deliberately targeted boys who were not famous.)

According to Feldman, a typical encounter that he would have when he was sexually abused would be that while he was lying intoxicated in bed, the guy would climb in the bed and initiate having sexual relations with him. He also said that sometimes he would wake up to find the abuser unzipping his trousers and having his way with him.

Feldman says that sometimes he would fight off the abuser, but more often than not, he would just let the abuse happen out of confusion and guilt. Feldman says that he didn’t understand until years later that, because of he was underage at the time, he had been the victim of statutory rape. He also said that sexual abuse is rampant with many talent agents, managers, directors and producers who take advantage of underage kids who give in to the abuse out of fear or because they think it might help their careers.

Drug Addiction

Beginning with diet pills and other drugs to lose weight, Feldman says his drug abuse started when he was a pre-teen. According to Feldman, he and River Phonenix (who died of a drug overdose in 1993) had their first experience smoking marijuana when they tried pot together on the set of “Stand by Me.” The marijuana was given to them by a crew member. By this time, Feldman says he already had experiences getting drunk. He also described smoking pot with his father after his father became his manager.

Feldman says that he found out that his mother was a cocaine addict when he discovered her cocaine stash in their home. Feldman said he went on his first cocaine binge when he was working on “The Lost Boys.” His mother’s female drug dealer had given him cocaine. Feldman says that his comedown from the cocaine binge was so bad that he kept messing up scenes while filming “The Lost Boys” the next day, and director Joel Schumacher temporarily fired him, but then changed his mind and re-hired him. At the time, Schumacher asked if Feldman was doing drugs, but Feldman says he lied to Schumacher, by telling him that he was just tired from staying up all night with a friend.

Athough Feldman says that Haim had tried drugs even before he even met Feldman, he still has some guilt over Haim’s drug addiction because Feldman thinks he influenced Haim to start abusing cocaine.

By the time Feldman and Haim made “License to Drive,” Feldman says that they were both addicted to cocaine and often showed up high on the set. It was also during filming of this movie that Feldman says he smoked crack for the first time, and he was also doing other drugs, such as LSD. After one cocaine bender, Feldman says he and Haim were almost fired from “License to Drive” when they showed up more than three hours late on the set.

Haim and Feldman’s descent into drug addiction has been well-documented in the media. In his memoir, Feldman said that “Ron Crimson” introduced him to heroin. In 1990, Feldman was arrested twice for heroin possession. Feldman pleaded not guilty, was fined $5,000 and given four years’ probation, but he said he relapsed several times before he got clean and sober.

Feldman claims to be in recovery after receiving professional treatment and therapy for his problems. But apparently, Feldman was still doing drugs as recently as 2011, according to a report from Defamer that has an eyewitness account of Feldman doing drugs at an orgy at his house. More recently, in August 2013, Vice reported on Feldman’s 42nd birthday party that sounded like he wants to be the next Hugh Hefner. (The Vice report had no mention of drugs.)

Corey Haim

As many people know, Haim and Feldman were close friends and worked together on several projects, beginning with 1987’s “The Lost Boys.” Feldman says that before he met Haim, he was jealous of him because he had heard that Haim was getting some of the girls and acting roles that Feldman wanted. Feldman had wanted the title role in the 1986 movie “Lucas,” but Haim got the role. However, one role that Feldman got that Haim wanted was Feldman’s role in “The Goonies.”

The friendship between Haim and Feldman, who became known in the media as “The Two Coreys,” started out innocently enough, but it soon became a drug-fueled, co-dependent relationship, as Feldman tells it. Feldman (who describes Haim’s personality as friendly, hyperactive and intense) also outs Haim as a bisexual who was sodomized as a child by a man whom Feldman does not name, but he says Haim confided in him about the rape. According to Feldman, Haim told him that the rape happened on the set of “Lucas.”

Feldman hints that the man who raped Haim is someone who was involved in the making of “Lucas,” because Feldman describes the rapist as “one of the most successful people in the entertainment industry, still making money hand over fist.” Feldman believes that this early sexual abuse caused Haim to be overly sexualized at a young age. Feldman says that when he met Haim, Haim talked about sex more than anyone else he knew.

Feldman claims that when Haim was “horny,” Haim would sometimes suggest that he and Feldman have sex with each other. Feldman claims he always declined the offer.

In the book, Feldman describes incidents when he and Haim would be hanging out together and Haim would pester Feldman to find someone to have sex with Haim. According to Feldman, Haim didn’t seem to care if the potential sex partner was male or female.

Feldman expresses regret that on at least two occasions during the time that he and Haim were filming “The Lost Boys,” Feldman would suggest an older male friend to have sex with Haim. One of those friends was Marty Weiss, a talent manager who was arrested in 2011 for committing lewd acts with a child. Weiss once had a talent agency with Feldman’s mother back in the late ’80s. In his book, Feldman describes the sexual encounter that Weiss had with Haim: “They walked single file into the adjoining room … I heard sounds, banging, thumping. I felt my stomach flip-flop. I felt sick.”

On another occasion, a similar scenario happened: Feldman said that Haim was being hyperactive and “horny” and wanted Feldman to find someone to have sex with Haim, when Haim suggested that he and Feldman “mess around.” When Feldman rejected Haim’s advances and asked Haim if he was gay, Haim replied, “I’m not gay, man. This is what guys do. It’s totally normal. Why don’t we do it?”

Feldman says he still refused to have sex with Haim. When Haim expressed interest in hooking up with Weiss again, Feldman told Haim that he was no longer speaking to Weiss. So Feldman reluctantly suggested a man who is called “Tony Burnham” (not his real name) in the book. According to Feldman, he knew that Burnham (whom he describes as overweight and unattractive) had a crush on Haim, and so the meeting was arranged. Feldman says he tried to convince Haim not to get sexually involved with Burnham and to find someone else to have sex with, but Haim insisted because he told Feldman that it would be “a favor” to Haim if Feldman arranged the hookup. After that encounter, Burnham began to treat Haim as his “boyfriend,” according to Feldman.

Feldman describes these alleged incidents in the book because years after these incidents happened, Haim accused Feldman of being responsible for some of the sexual abuse he suffered. The accusation was made on their short-lived 2007-2008 reality show “The Two Coreys.” Feldman says in “Coreyography” that he introduced an underage Haim to those men because he just wanted Haim to stop pestering him about finding someone to have sex with him. Feldman also says that Haim willingly had sex with these men and often insisted on it. Of course, we won’t hear Haim’s side of the story since he’s dead.

The first chapter of the book actually describes what Feldman’s life was like in the hours and days after Haim’s death in 2010. Feldman expresses some bitterness over the people who came out of the woodwork after Haim’s death to try and benefit from the death through money and/or publicity. Feldman says that he is still angry that many people think that Haim died of a drug overdose, when the autopsy report concluded that Haim died of pneumonia. (However, years of drug abuse probably negatively affected Haim’s immune system.) Although Haim and Feldman’s friendship went through some rough patches over the years, they were on good terms and regularly communicating with each other in the period of time leading up to his death.

Michael Jackson

Feldman says that by the time he met Jackson on the set of “The Goonies” (after Feldman kept pestering Spielberg to make it happen), he had been “obsessed” with Jackson, whose “Thriller” album and music videos made a huge impact on Feldman. Over the next several years, Feldman says that he and Jackson would spend hours talking on the phone and meeting up when they could. Feldman says that when he would hang out with Jackson they would do “kid” things (such as going to amusement parks) or “celebrity” things, such as meeting other stars. Feldman described Jackson as a generous friend who had an interesting combination of child-like wonder and shrewd business acumen.

Feldman says that his time with Jackson was so innocent that he wasn’t even allowed to curse around Jackson. Feldman claims that he never saw drugs and alcohol when he hung out with Jackson, since he said that Jackson banned those substances, at least when Feldman was around him. Feldman said that he rarely saw Jackson in casual clothes because he believes that Jackson felt that he always had to project a celebrity image.

He also described some of Jackson’s odd behavior and paranoia, such as Jackson’s tendency to pretend to be someone else when he answered the phone or Jackson not saying a word when he answered the phone and making the caller wait up to 10 or 15 minutes, in order to test the caller on how long the caller would wait to hear him speak.

It’s been well-documented that Feldman’s friendship with Jackson never really recovered after Sept. 11, 2001, when Feldman claims that Jackson “abandoned” him in New York City, where Feldman had been to see Jackson at at Jackson’s all-star tribute concerts (held at Madison Square Garden) that featured Jackson’s on-stage reunion with his brothers. Feldman says that Jackson had invited him and Susie Sprague (who was Feldman’s girlfriend at the time and who would later become his second wife) to go to New York City be part of the concert celebrations, which included a star-studded post-concert party at Tavern on the Green, where Feldman took his last photo with Jackson.

According to Feldman, his friendship with Jackson ended in a bizarre manner at the second concert, where Feldman says that he and Sprague accidentally got separated before the show during some confusion over where to pick up their backstage passes. Feldman was detained backstage for at least an hour while being told by security personnel that Jackson wanted to speak to him. When Jackson finally showed up backstage to talk to Feldman, Jackson accused Feldman of planning to write a tell-all book that would make negative statements about Jackson. Feldman said that although he had gotten offers over the years to write a book, he vehemently denied to Jackson that he was going to write a book that would insult Jackson.

Jackson didn’t believe Feldman, who says that he ended up not getting backstage passes to the show. He also says that he and Sprague were so upset by what happened with Jackson that they didn’t even stay for the concert. The next day was Sept. 11, 2001. Because airports and train stations in the United States were closed on that tragic day, the Jackson family made arrangements for themselves and their invited entourage to leave New York City by bus. Feldman says because he had been part of the Jacksons’ entourage going to New York, he assumed that he would also be travelling with the Jacksons out of New York.

Feldman says he was embarrassed and deeply hurt to find out that Jackson had banned Feldman and Sprague from any of the Jacksons’ buses. According to Feldman, Michael Jackson’s brother Jermaine took pity on him and Sprague, and Jermaine secretly allowed them on one of the buses under the condition that Feldman not tell Michael. However, Feldman says that he and Michael Jackson never spoke to each other or saw each other again after the backstage confrontation.

At the time, Feldman complained to the media about Michael Jackson being an uncaring friend who left Feldman behind in New York in the wake of the 9/11 tragedies. After Michael Jackson died of an accidental drug overdose in 2009, Feldman gave interviews expressing regret over how his friendship with Jackson ended.

Dating and Marriage

In his memoir, Feldman mentions some past girlfriends (most of them not famous), his first ex-wife Vanessa Marcil, his second ex-wife Susie and his son Zen (who was born in 2005), but his relationship with Haim gets more pages in the book.

Feldman says that his first date with Drew Barrymore was arranged by her mother (who also Barrymore’s manager at the time) when Barrymore was 10 and Feldman was 14 because Feldman was told that Barrymore had a huge crush on him. Feldman and Barrymore later briefly dated for real in 1989, when she was in her mid-teens. He says that at the time, he was heavily into drugs and she was trying to stay sober after multiple stints in rehab.

Marcil and Feldman (who were married from 1989 to 1993) eloped in Las Vegas. Feldman says it took him a long time to get Marcil to date him (when they met, she said she didn’t know he was famous), but when they finally started dating, their marriage happened quickly. Their marriage, which Feldman describes as being volatile, was ruined because of his drug addiction. It was also an unconventional marriage because Marcil refused to live with Feldman during the entire time that they were a couple. Feldman also takes some credit for Marcil becoming a working actress because he said he introduced her to his agent.

Feldman and his second wife Susie (who were married from 2002 to 2009) had a very different courtship: She didn’t play hard to get, she recognized him right away when they first met, and they slept together the first night that they met, according to Feldman. He also said that he and Susie decided from the beginning to have an “open relationship,” but their marriage ended when they lost trust in each other. In interviews, Feldman has basically admitted that he and Susie were swingers during their relationship. He does not go into details about that lifestyle in his memoir, probably because he does not want to embarrass his son Zen.

Behind-the-Scenes Movie Stories

Feldman says that he had been cast in Spielberg’s blockbuster move “E.T.,” but a script rewrite essentially cut out the role that he was going to play, so Spielberg promised Feldman a role in his next movie: “The Goonies,” which Spielberg was originally going to direct but he ended up being an executive producer of the movie because he was too busy to direct it. Of all the famous directors Feldman has worked with, Spielberg is clearly his favorite, not just for the obvious reasons, but because he says that Spielberg is one of the nicest people he’s met who was like a father figure to Feldman.

According to Feldman, after the movie shoot for “The Goonies” stretched from three months to six months, “The Goonies” director Richard Donner was so sick of working with the kids on the movie that Donner began telling anyone who listened that he couldn’t wait to go to his child-free house in Hawaii when filming was completed. As a practical joke, Feldman says that Spielberg arranged to have all the child stars of “The Goonies” surprise Donner at the house when he arrived. Feldman says that he regrettably had to join his co-stars later in Hawaii after the practical joke happened because Feldman’s mother was late in driving him to the airport and therefore caused him to miss his plane flight.

Feldman says he also liked “The Lost Boys” director Joel Schumacher, but that Schumacher was a screamer who would yell at the cast in order to get what he wanted.

Haim was the co-star who had the closest friendship with Feldman, but Feldman also had fond memories of bonding with his “Stand by Me” co-star Phoenix and with his “Goonies” co-stars Sean Astin, Jeff Cohen and Le Huy Quan. Feldman also briefly talked about his friendships with comedian Sam Kinison and “Silver Spoons” stars Ricky Schroder and Alfonso Ribeiro. According to Feldman, when he got a reputation for being a heavy drug user, the parents of Schroder and Ribeiro banned their sons from hanging out with Feldman.

Feldman also gives his account of a notoriously wild party that he and some of his friends (including Haim and “Dream a Little Dream” director Marc Rocco) threw at the Four Seasons Hotel in Beverly Hills, after the press junket for his 1989 movie “Dream a Little Dream.” Feldman admits he doesn’t remember much about the party since he was so intoxicated at the time, but he remembers that “nearly a thousand people” were there and his cousin Michael was arguing with someone over a minibar that had been removed and put in a shower bathtub. He also says the party caused about $10,000 in room-service bills and damage, and the studio executives who had to settle the bills were very angry. Feldman says that there are stories about the party that he is not sure are true or not, such as Schroder hosing down a stripper with champagne, people streaking naked in the hallways, and televisions being thrown out of windows.

Feldman said that he and his “Stand by Me” co-stars (Phoenix, Wil Wheaton and Jerry O’Connell) were just playing versions of themselves at the time. Feldman describes being jealous of Phoenix’s seeming ability to cry on cue, but Phoenix told him years later that he used the same trick that Feldman and other actors often used for the crying scenes in the movie: someone blew menthol vapor in their eyes.

When Phoenix was filming “My Own Private Idaho,” people who worked with Phoenix reached out to Feldman to tell him that Phoenix was using heroin. They asked Feldman to try to convince Phoenix to stop using drugs and go into rehab, but Feldman says that Phoenix ignored his advice, and they eventually lost touch with each other.

Some people may find it questionable that Feldman would wait until Haim was dead to tell details about Haim’s sexual encounters with men and how Haim allegedly made sexual advances on Feldman. In this day and age of celebrity tell-alls in books and the media, Feldman was no doubt told he had to have some salacious stories in his memoir in order for it to be published by a major book publisher.

Feldman says that he told details about Haim’s sex life in his memoir because Haim would have wanted him to do it. In the book, Feldman claims that shortly after “The Two Coreys” was cancelled, he had a conversation with Haim in which Feldman said that their sexual abuse was the root of their inner demons and that if they went public with this information, they would start free themselves of these demons. According to Feldman, Haim said, “Why don’t you tell my story?” Feldman says he told Haim, “I’ve got my own story to tell. And you’ve got yours. You’ve got to tell your own story. You’ve got to write your own book.”

But then in the next sentence, Feldman writes, “At the time of his death, Haim still wasn’t ready.” So if Haim wasn’t ready to tell his story at the time of his death, Feldman took it upon himself to decide when it was time to tell Haim’s story. People will undoubtedly debate the ethics of that decision.

In 2013, Feldman has been having financial problems (including a home in foreclosure and a threatened eviction from his rented house), so money is obviously another reason why he did this tell-all memoir.

One thing’s for sure: Anyone who reads “Coreyography” will never look at Feldman or his movies in the same way again.

sursa: http://www.examiner.com/article/corey-feldman-details-abuse-corey-haim-s-bisexuality-coreyography-memoir?cid=rss

Acum 21 de ani.

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Iti multumesc si n-o sa pot uita vreodata cum ai facut ca visul meu sa devina realitate.

Poate ca Billie Jean e tot ce mi-am dorit sa vad inca din copilarie, e legamantul nostru. Cadoul primit acum 21 de ani e la fel de proaspat si viu in amintirea mea de parca s-ar fi intamplat ieri.

Billie Jean e Michael Jackson si Michael Jackson e Billie Jean.

Bucuresti, 1 octombrie 1992

P.S. Scuz-o pe Alina, (4:09) dar ca orice bun ucenic, ea doar isi studia maestrul. Asa se manifesta euforia la unele dintre noi…doar analizam profund. :D

Michael Jackson Rehab Interventions vs Family Concert Tours

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Originally posted on Et Tu, Brutus?:

This is a timeline of the conflicting stories about “interventions” by the Jackson family, and also the attempts they made to recruit him into tours during the same period, intending to show the overlap between the two; if they accuse AEG of putting undue pressure on Jackson it would seem they were guilty of the same thing.

Story about a family member who may be selling stories on MJ’s reported drug addiction as an attempt to retaliate against him, Roger Friedman –  January 6th 2006

Michael Jackson had a perfect, five-star, expensive Christmas in Bahrain, thanks to his host, the prince.

Jackson flew in his three main surrogate families from different locations, put them up in hotels and got them expensive gifts. The families were: the Schleiters, from Germany; the Bhatti’s, from Norway; and the Cascio’s from New Jersey.

The report from the Jackson holiday was a good one, however…

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Tabloid Truth: The Michael Jackson Scandal and a PLEA TO THE FBI in the name of Michael Jackson’s children

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Originally posted on Vindicating Michael:

at the memorialMaybe I misunderstand something but I don’t see why the FBI cannot make a simple statement regarding the current fierce allegations raised by tabloids against Jackson and his children.

Yes, all this dirt is primarily aimed at Michael’s children, because Jackson himself is in a much better place than this damned world of ours, and it is his children who have to sustain this inhuman onslaught against their young lives, well-being and sanity in the long run.

FBI SHOULD SPEAK UP

If these UK tabloid beasts are right and they do have some “secret FBI files” let FBI admit it and simultaneously explain to us why they did not disclose to us this damning information in due time – for example, during the 2005 trial.

If the UK media is lying like crazy here, let FBI also make a clear statement about it and call a spade a spade, i.e…

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In camera cu Moartea

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Ma priveste cu rasuflarea ei rece si eu il strang mai tare in brate. Nu inteleg cine a invitat-o si cine o face sa creada ca eu i-as ceda ceva. Dar ea ranjeste pentru ca stie. Eu tip, un tipat mut, dar nu se sperie. Daca ar avea forma si as putea sa navalesc asupra ei, as lasa-o fara suflare. Macar de as putea-o speria, sa plece. Sa uite de el, de noi, de viata noastra. Ma enerveaza siguranta ei. De ce ar sti ea mai multe decat mine. Eu il iubesc. Ea vine doar sa-si faca treaba. E ciudat cum, desi nu ne cunoaste, stie sigur ce trebuie facut la momentul X, stie ca a venit pentru a ne insoti si nu pleaca pana cand nu-i dam ce cere.

E cruda si nu intelege nicio rugaminte. Nu vrea sa ia altceva la schimb. Nu intelege durerea despartirii si disperarea care o insoteste. Ea doar ranjeste si stie.

Si eu o intreb, in mine: de ce? “Doar stii ca este avatarul meu. Cand tu o sa-l rupi de mine, sigur am sa ma narui. Nu voi putea deschide ochii maine si nu voi mai putea respira fara sa ma doara cumplit. Tu nu intelegi? Cum tu m-ai omorat putin cate putin de-alungul vremii?” Ea sta acolo si ranjeste. Stie ca nu poate sa piarda. Niciodata n-a pierdut. Si-mi aminteste.

Si ochii lui sunt stinsi si simt c-a obosit. Ea vrea sa le ia scanteia, stralucirea. Si o urasc. “E totul pentru mine, tu nu intelegi!” Si ea-mi arunca cuvinte reci. “Inceteaza! Esti patetica! Te cunosc! Nimic nu-i adevarat din ceea ce spui. Ai sa uiti! O sa te vindeci si o sa mergi mai departe! Ai mai facut-o si vad ca te descurci.” Plec capul. M-a invins. Nu pot s-o contrazic. “Zici ca nu mai poti respira, zici ca te doare atat de tare, zici ca Pamantul s-a oprit in loc si ca viata nu mai are sens si? Vad ca inca ai puls! Te vrei victima si adori sa-ti plangi de mila. Ti-am zis, eu te cunosc!”

Ma intorc si ma gandesc ca am pierdut batalia si ca cea care ii face lui rau sunt eu. N-ar mai trebui sa ma vada plangand si n-ar mai trebui sa-l tin asa de strans in brate. Ochii lui ma cauta in continuare si eu n-am raspunsuri. Ma doare ca vede doar disperarea in ochii mei.

Ea se apropie de mine si-mi spune ca a sosit timpul. Il trage spre ea. Eu ma opun. Pe el il doare. Plange. Miauna a durere, lung si ofteaza. Respira din ce in ce mai greu. Ii trage suflul inspre ea. Eu innebunesc. O data, de doua ori…ma aplec peste el sa-i sorb respiratia, sa intre in mine. E prea tarziu. E liniste. Acum nu-l mai deranjeaza nimic. Sunt fericita si plang de durere.

Nu inteleg. Iar mi se intampla. Sunt doua tabere in mine. E partea logica care asa vede lucrurile. Imi expune inca o data ce inseamna cancerul si care sunt motivele pentru care s-a intamplat asta ….dar mai e si copilul ala mic si trist. Copilul nu intelege ca n-o sa mai poata sa-l stranga in brate pe bulgarele de blanita. Copilul nu intelege ca maine n-o sa mai aiba cum sa-i mai vada ochii stralucitori, intrebatori. N-o sa mai vina dupa mine de dimineata cand prepar micul dejun. Se aseza pe scaunul ala din colt si ma privea asteptand. Eu ma jucam cu el, pentru ca stiam ca inainte de toate, trebuia sa-i dau lui tainul. Il evitam, el ma tragea cu labuta lui de mana: “Hei, ce faci? Nu vezi ca aici e un sufletel pofticios? Doar o bucatica de sunca, una mica.” Niciodata nu se uita la mancare. O mirosea si apoi imi cauta privirea. Mieuna si imi dadea tarcoale. Si daca nesimtirea mea atingea cote maxime atunci…aplica solutia extrema, imi sarea in carca. “Si-mi dai si putin unt? Hai, doar un varf! Stiu ca n-am voie, dar sssshhh, nu ne vede nimeni. Lapticul sa fie doar putin caldut, ce ascunzi tu sticla aia? E sticla de lapte, o stiu! Dupa ce terminati iaurtul cu fulgi din boluri, eu asigur curatenia luna a acestora. Ganditi-va, salvati planeta si economisiti apa! Cum adica sunt caraghios?” Cu botul, mustatile si urechile mozolite de iaurt se uita la mine mirat cand il chem si rad de mocuta lui. Apoi tacticos si elegant incepe sa se spele. “Hai, acum sunt un baiat curat, pregateste-te ca-ti vin in brate. Acum, am zis!”. Se aseaza, ma piseaza, ma fixeaza cu ochii si incepe sa toarca. Gata! Misiune indeplinita. Acum sarcina mea e aceea de a-l admira si mangaia.

Toate astea maine nu vor mai fi. Si nu mai sunt. Ma doare lipsa lui deja.

Iubiti-le cat sunt cu voi! Nimic nu-i nici prea mult si nici prea greu.

Te iubeste mama mult de tot, puiule! Sa nu ne uiti si sa ne astepti.

Judith

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Poate sa fie un nume de femeie…poate ca ea chiar e o femeie, dar eu ma indoiesc, e doar EMOTIE PURA.

Cum poti cataloga un om, pe care nu-l cunosti, dar care stie sa straneasca asa un val de sentimente in inima?

Cred ca Judith a vrut sa ne dezmorteasca din iarna. Ce inceput de primavara frumos!

Laura, ce zici de fata asta? Frumos, nu?